For the third time I now booked my PET scan. Having booked it electronically I then received a phone call shortly thereafter. Yes, people do still use a phone to speak to you apparently. How old fashioned. ‘Thank you for your booking’ the voice at the other end of the phone said ‘but before we can proceed with the scan you will need to come in with sedatives which you will have to take before we start the scan. You can get the sedatives from your GP’. Grateful that they hadn’t left it until I turned up for the scan to tell me this, I thanked the caller and confirmed that I would follow her instuction. Little did I know that I was about to enter a twilight zone involving an epic four-way internal battle that would decide the fate of the NHS as we know it!
Long story short as ever… I contacted my GP. As we all know, that last sentence is not as simple as it sounds. Trying to contact your local GP is as easy as trying to get to an itch that even Heineken can’t reach and at the same time not coming away with a smelly finger. No simple ringing up and speaking to someone (again, how old fashioned). Indeed not. I’m certain that GP surgeries now use the internet as a secret deterrent whilst killing two birds with one stone. Not only meeting the latest government initiative to make GP’s ‘improve’ how their customers (formally known as patients) interact with them and providing a seamless digital service but also making the digital access pathway so easy to use that even when you do decide which of the 9 initial sub-menus you are faced with, which ever one you select, you will get to the point that the online form realises that you are so ill that the surgery can’t help and you should immediately ring 999 before you draw in your last breath. Thereby immediately slashing their waiting list, reducing the number of appointments needed with their customers and allowing them more time with their budgets. New paragraph required.
Having navigated the labyrinth in a way that would have made Theseus proud, I finally submitted my request for (1) tablet of diazepam. Very efficiently I received a response within the hour. No. The response sent did go further and more helpfully explained that under NICE guidance GPs should not issue prescriptions in this instance, it should be the responsibly of the radiography department performing the scan. Armed with this knowledge I immediately went back to the PET scan team at Maidstone confident of making progress. My new found confidence lasted as long as it took me to update them with my GPs response to which they said ‘no’. My confidence suffered a catastrophic structural failure, pooling miserably around my ankles like a leaky catheter bag. ‘Sorry Mr Bond, but we don’t have a doctor who can prescribe your medication’ (but they have one who says no to a scan if you drink 20ml of milk!). We will have to refer you back to your consultant.
A couple of days later I had not heard from my consultant so I plucked up the courage to try and contact him. Armed with only a name (one that I spent 20 minutes trying to pronounce, as if I was a native of Sri Lanka or Thailand) I then called the general number for the Maidstone & Royal Tunbridge Wells Trust. Without going over old ground, I managed to penetrate the Hospital’s defensive ‘putting the customer first’ shield and after approximately 34 minutes I got through to my consultant’s secretary. I explained the situation and she was extremely helpful and once she had explained that my consultant was on holiday for the next 3 weeks, she promised to refer my request for a single pill of vallium to another consultant. She also helpfully informed me that she worked Monday to Wednesdays and as today was Wednesday I shouldn’t expect to hear back from her until the following week. The following week she called me back to explain that none of the consultants not on holiday could prescribe me the one tablet I needed as it had to be my original consultant. I just love and appreciate how the NHS follows rules and procedures so doggedly. It’s not as though I was dying of cancer, oh. Anyway, she at least understood my position and concerns and said she would email my GP, the radiography department and King’s to try and resolve this small impasse. The following day she called me back. Success! The intra NHS battle was at an end. King’s had run the white flag up the pole and agreed to have the scan at King’s where they could prescribe my sedative. The price of peace was high but necessary.